Haircut

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go Rome?
It's crowded and dirty and worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome."
"So, how are you getting there"?
"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental"? exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome"?
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Trieste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive.
But it's really a dump. The worst hotel in the whole city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there"?
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel.
It was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser. "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky.
As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really"? asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say"?

He said, "Where did you get that horrible haircut"?

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Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Why, why, why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give The vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then Apologizes for doing so, Why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

first post

In sanity is the idea that a piece of paper is worth several thousand dollars and at least four years of one's life.
In sanity, one thinks that a thousand dollar piece of paper will guarantee a life of comfort and luxury.
In sanity lies the belief that all are meant to live the same way.
In sanity is the feeling that one is worth only what one is paid.
In sanity is found the thought that a marriage without children is empty and pointless.
In sanity, one believes that a parent is only as valuable as their child.
In sanity is the idea that one's child must be kept constantly busy whether he or she likes it or not.
In sanity, a child is only as valuable as his or her achievements.
In sanity is working one's whole life to enjoy only the last, brief and painful years of it.
In sanity is working a job one hates to get money that is never enough to buy things that never satisfy.
In sanity alone is promiscuous sex assured as passive, recreational and meaningless.
In sanity one can be in love that is comfortable, passive, unchanging and painless.
In sanity, love is effortless and takes care of itself.
In sanity is the comfortable acknowledgment of a higher power with no strings attached.
In sanity is the belief that one can mix together religion as a salad bar, taking all one wants and leaving that which one does not.
In sanity, the only morality is that which gets you ahead or gets you off.
In sanity are people who believe that every aspect of their lives can and should be planned without any hitches along the way.
In sanity, art is an industry.
In sanity we are told that art, any means by which we express ourselves, is nothing more than an unstable career choice.
In sanity is the thought that art is a choice.
In sanity one finds entertainment that is only unchallenging, inoffensive, thoughtless, soulless and geared toward the lowest wrung of societal taste.
In sanity, violence is always wrong and always avoidable.
In sanity that which does not immediately satisfy is without merit.
In sanity is the life of paper: Diploma, Degree, Certification, Paperwork, Marriage Certificate, Mortgage, Birth Certificate, Paperwork, Retirement Plan, Death Certificate.
In sanity is one always in control.
In sanity, only that which is popular is worth considering.
In sanity one must form thoughts, opinions, feelings and lives according to those of all others.
In sanity, one hides his or her own thoughts, opinions, feelings and lives.
In sanity, such an act shall have no consequences.
In sanity, those who follow the rules, work hard at the right job, procure and produce the right family shall always succeed.
In sanity is the nexus of endless expectation, constant worry, consistent disappointment, unlived life, unfelt love and never ending labor.
In sanity, one finds happiness in this nexus.
In sanity is silence.
In sanity ain't me.